I went through hell. I actually hope hell isn't worse than what I went through, it was so bad. I actually had a deep faith in God until after I went to college. The only way I can describe this is a very deep, dark hole that I didn't even realize I was in. Well, I first fell away from God when I lost my virginity from my boyfriend who loved me so much that he made me prove how much I loved him. We were all spending the night in a hotel in downtown Chicago and he snuck into my room and he begged. I couldn't see him like that, and I did love him. But after, I resented him so much we broke up. I didn't stop loving him: I just had so much resentment and disappointment between us that I had to break up with him.
Well, I found out a couple of days later I was pregnant. I couldn't handle it, and neither could my mom. She found out two months later by reading my diary while I was at school. The day after she found out she "accidentally" dropped a rod iron chair and I fell on it; the next day there was no baby.
If that wasn't enough to fall away from God, I was in a play and met who was supposedly my best friend. I went over to her house one night and she had some guy friends over. One of them attempted to rape me in her bathroom TWICE!! You'd think after I kicked him once he'd get the "no" message.
Well, I lost it. I had gotten into many fights with my parents after that. I hit bottom the night I took an entire bottle of Aleve. I wrote an entirely long email to my friends and set my automatic AOL to send it in the morning so no one could try to stop me. Well, I woke up the next morning at 8:30am to my mom tapping me on the forehead and saying I had a phone call. If this wasn't enough, two days later I hit bottom again after I got into another fight with my best friend from high school. I cut my wrist.
I found Jesus that night in my two friends who were online AIM'ing each other. They are the reason I am still alive, besides God knowing it wasn't my time. This had made me so strong. And after I talked to my friend from a youth group retreat we go on, YLC at Lewis University every summer, he told me to listen to Jars of clay. I have Napster so I went online and downloaded a live version of Worlds Apart. I cried for hours. I felt like that song was written just for me. I had forgotten what life cost. So I decided to give God my tears and sinful heart, to quote the song.
I have also found my path for next year, which I was very scared about. I have applied for the National Evangelists Team so I can tour the country and share my story to those who may not be as grateful as they should be for all the gifts God has given all of us. We all have talents He wants us to share; we all have information to give; we all have a story to tell. This one is mine.
Silver Quattro, College freshman in Illinois
08/16/01 Hey guys!